Psychological Road Trip

I am 21 years old. My “issues” began to become a problem when I was 18. Before it was livable, but due to a series of events that changed the way I viewed the world, it became harder to do the things you need to do to survive. I felt angrier, but also stranger.. I do not know how to put words to it, it is simply a feeling that consumes my chest and makes me feel heavy. This feeling makes me feel hopeless, alienated because I can not express my feelings to another individual. I have tried. I am young, confused and in a position of life where I feel as if the people “supposed” to support have no interest or understanding on how to do that. Besides, I am deeply afraid to have other people unwillingly involved in my plight. It’s not their problem, and I am at a loss as to how they will be able to relate. I want answers as to why I’m feeling this way, why the medication doesn’t seem to work - however, the fast-track resolution of going to the hospital terrifies me. I do not want to be placed under involuntary commitment again. I have responsibilities to maintain. A boyfriend. Pets. Bills. I can not put my life on hold for these issues. I desperately want help, but I am tired of waiting for phone calls. I am tired of this. I dream of my future, but I am so very tired of living with my issues with no clear vision of mental peace in the future. I would love to go to university, start a career, get married and have a family. These current issues are going to prevent that. I can only continue on so long before that flare of strength weakens and fades out. I am only human.